Saying goodbye to the ten most heartbreaking years of sports….ever

“Personally, im not a huge fan of New Years Eve. Why not you ask? Well, let me break it down like this: When you walk in on your wife getting double stuffed by Joe Namath and Buddy Ryan, while Wade Wilson is filiming, during the New Year’s Eve party YOU are hosting….you kind of become a little bit sour from there on out”- Ron Jaworski

Though it is true that the new decade doesn’t start until another 366 days from now. I am ready to say good fucking riddiance to the past 10 years of nothing but heartbreak from every team I root for obsess over.

I am a huge sports fan, always have been and always will be. So for the sake of flodarity(awesome word eh?) I will list the following teams of who I have been a big fan of along with applicable years:

Minnesota Twins (Forever)

Minnesota Vikings (Forever)

Nebraska Cornhuskers (Forever)

Oklahoma Sooners (SINCE 2003)

Iowa State Basketball (Forever)

Seattle Seahawks (SINCE 1999)

 Being a fan of the Twins and Cornhuskers during the 90’s was fucking AWESOME! (See: 1991 World Series, 1994, 1995 and 1997 National Championships) By the end of 1997 my teams were all looking good, (Except for the Twins  who were in the middle of a 8 year slump). The Vikings had just gone 15-1 in the regular season and were looking like a lock for the Super Bowl. The Cornhuskers had just won 3 of the past 4 national championships. And a  Freshman named Marcus Fizer was going to lead the Cyclones basketball team to glorious NCAA tourney run. Of course none of these things did happen and these all kicked off what would lead to ten years of heartbreak.  So without further delay I present to you: My most horrible fucking sports memories of the past ten years (Limited to the worst ten, in no real particular order)

1.) 1998 NFC Championship game Atlanta 30 Minnesota 27- What more can be said about this game? The Vikings FUCKING BLEW IT. This was a choke to end all chokes. Denny Green coached the game like a gigantic douche-bag and fucking Gary Anderson pulled a modern day Ray Finkel. This game was the epitome of a fucking disaster (even by Vikings standards). Fucking Atlanta fucking Falcons, what a bunch of fucking asshats. 

 

Yup! 30 for 30 in the regular season....

Yup! 30 for 30 in the regular season....

2.)2001 NFC Championship game- Giants 41 Vikings 0. 3 years after the debacle against the Falcons. The Vikings were again looking like strong Super Bowl Contenders. Daunte Culpepper was getting his roll on all season long and the Vikings were actually FAVORED heading into the Meadowlands for a showdown with the Giants. Instead in typical Chokekings fashion they managed to get the piss and shit knocked out of them for 60 minutes and suffered the most lopsided loss in team history. The Vikings haven’t even sniffed the NFC championship since that fateful January day.

Actual Water Bottle Moss used to spray officials..Actual Liquid was goat urine.

Actual Water Bottle Moss used to spray officials..Actual Liquid was goat urine.

3.)2003 week 17 Vikings vs Cardinals- The video below can explain it far better then any words could……

 

4.) 2001 Rosebowl- Miami 37 Nebraska 14- Nebraska somehow backdoored there way into the National Championship game against Miami, only to get there asses handed to them by a bunch of criminals and scum-bags (read: every Miami football player in the history of the world). Maybee if Frank Solich wasn’t to busy banging the Nebraska Cheerleaders while wasted (read: 2 Children out of wedlock with Nebraska Cheerleaders) they could have held a chance. This was the beginning of a painful stretch for the mighty Cornhuskers as only couple years later the worlds biggest cunt head (see: Bill Callahan) was hired as the next head coach of the Huskers.

Heisman Curse

Heisman Curse

5.) Every Oklahoma Sooners BCS game since 2003- LSU, USC, Boise State and West Virginia can all go fuck themselves. LSU was a heartbreaker and the USC, Boise State and WVU losses were all embarrassing to the entire Big XII. The only good thing that came out of any of these games was the fact that I got some pretty awesome pity sex after the West Virginia Loss (A true rarity).

Thank you Rich Rodriguez!

Thank you Rich Rodriguez!

6- 10 to come later today  tomorrow… (Preview: Minnesota Twins 1 game playoff…Minnesota Twins swept vs Oakland….. 2 seed- Iowa State vs. 15 seed-Hampton NCAA Tourney….. Nebraska vs. Colorado 2000…. Julio Franco 3 Run HR Yankees vs Twins ALDS)

Dishonorable Mentions: Johan Santana trade, Oklahoma vs Oregon, OU vs Texas 2008, Nebraska vs Texas Tech 2004.

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The easiest $40,000 you will ever make

The Economy continues to kick all of our asses week in and week out. As a professional handicapper I usually charge $159.99 for my lock(s) of the week. But seeing how we are already ankle deep in Chanukah and just hours away from Christmas I will give you all a very special Christmas Present. I will tell you a fool proof way to make $40,000 in 3 1/2 hours.

 

 

Step 1: Borrow $10,000 from a loan shark (put first born kid down as collateral)

Step 2: Bet $10,000 on a two team Parlay. (NY Giants OVER Minnesota AND Chicago OVER Houston)

Step 3: ?????

Step 4: Profit

Step 5: Make it rain (Pac-Man style) or Make it Snow (OU Alpha Chi Style)

indeed

 

Why am I so confident of this get rich scheme?

Becuase all it takes for the Vikings to make the playoffs is for either win over the Giants or a Chicago loss against the Texans. As a lifelong Vikings fan who has seen over 9000 huge letdowns. I can tell you with a 100% confidence that neither of these things will happen. Thus congratulations on your new found wealth.

Asshat of the week: Roger Goodell

 

Goodell suspends Vikings player Bryant McKinnie 4 games for:

  • Getting in a fight with a bouncer at a night club
  • Attending the infamous  Vikings “Love Boat” party

 

Goodell suspends Broncos player Brandon Marshall ONE game for:

  • Being in a fight that ultimately got teamate Darrent Williams shot and killed.
  • 11 Domestic Disturbance phone calls
  • 1 Dometic Abuse Arrest
  • 1 D.U.I. Arrest
  • 1 assault on a police officer

Anyone that has ever been to a club or bar knows that roughly 80% of bouncers make up some of the biggest douchebags in the U.S.. But apparently getting in a fight with one as well with watching a couple of private strippers is four times worse then: Getting a teamate killed, beating women, driving wasted, and assaulting a police officer……..So I guess Goodell’s message is; “You can get a teamate shot in the neck, you can put a good old fashion beating on your girlfriend, you can pull a Billy Martin, but god damnit you sure as hell better not punch someone who is earning 10 bucks an hour whose sole job is to be a prick”?

 

Maybee its just that Goodell hates the Irish……