Brent Musburger’s New Years Resolution

Brent Musburger is a piece of shit, and overall I find him to be about as clever as a fucking tampon (unused). However he delivered one of the more memorable quotes at his post game news conference (Shown live on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN360,, ESPN Deportes)  when Stephen A. Smith asked him about his New Years resolution. His uncut answer is below:

“Well there folks, thats a pretty tough question. Let me tell you this much pardner[sic], much like USC’s continuing domination in the college game I too am pretty much perfect. However, there is one thing I would like to bring to the world in 2009, and that is to spread the word even more on just how fucking awesome Pete Caroll’s nut-sack is. Sure, we all know that Pete Caroll is the greatest coach in the history of sports, we all know that USC should have won the past 18 national championships. But very few people know the amazingness that is Pete Caroll’s masterful balls. Those balls have lead USC to back-to back- to back- to back- to back-to back-to back-to back MCS(Musburger Championship Series) trophies. Just thinking of those pasty, slightly wrinkled yet masterful balls makes me wonder what other majestic and bountiful things Pete Caroll’s nether regions have in store for us. I wonder if he likes having a finger in his butt-hole when receiving fellatio from his many female admirers. Folks, let me tell you from personal expirence, nothing beats a finger in the bunghole during a beej, and I mean nothing! Sideline reporter Holly Rowe actually is quite the expert in this, but please don’t tell Mrs. Musburger folks! Actually speaking of Holly Rowe, rumor has it that her 125 pound weight gain in the past 3 years is due to the buckets of Mr. Caroll’s semen she has been in fact digesting…I guess there is a such thing as too much of a good thing, right Herby?

But this is besides the point, I just really whole world needs to know just how awesome Mr. Carroll’s slightly hairy testicles really are. There used to be an old wives tale floating around the ESPN headquarters that Mr. Caroll once gave Linda Cohn, Bonnie Berstein and Summer Sanders all simultaneous orgasms just by texting them a picture of his luscious scrotum. Sean Salisbury foolishly tried to repeat this gesture several years later and was rewarded with a suspension.  Im sure if I went to the studio to ask John Saunders or down on the sideline with Doctor Jack Arute they would both confirm these spectacular stories.”

Musburger went on about Pete Caroll’s balls for another 10 minutes, but I am far to lazy to transcribe the rest rather I will just point out some highlights:

  • Pete Caroll’s Balls cure AIDS. 
  • Pete Caroll’s balls recently signed a 7 year 14 million dollar endorsement contract for ESPN.
  • Apparently his “glorious nut sack” will get a 18 page spread in the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 
  • Pete Caroll recently got his balls a 34 million dollar life insurance policy. 
  • Pete Caroll prefers Johnson’s 100% organic testicle shampoo.


Some might find Musburger’s remarks about Pete Caroll a bit “Crass” or a bit “Over the line” or might wonder if “he has been doing lines of cocaine off of John Kruks ass crack again”. But to this journalist, I must say that I am hardly surprised for Mr. Musburger’s love for balls of the USC head coach.


*All of the, Some of the,  a couple of the  things in the previous 4 paragraphs may not be real not have been said.