Let me break it down like this: Ron Jaworski’s take on the Steroid Scandal

 

Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

Look at that Fucking smile! Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me! That Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

 

When the local scribes columnists  fat pathetic virgins at Gaymariotti.com approached me to do a guest blurg on the recent “steroid scandal”  I said, “Sure, guys why not? I’d like to consider myself an expert on the subject because let me break it down like this: When you come home from the 1997 ESPY awards and catch you wife being drilled in the asshole  by Bill Romanowski you better believe that you have a take in regards to steroids, am I right?!? But what the fuck is this thing you call a blurg?”

One of them, BrettBoonefarm looked at me and said “Coach,  I’m having a real problem talking to my 5 sons about steroids. If you could just break it down for all of us, I would forever be in your gratitude.”

So I looked at that pathetic excuse for a man and said: “Brett, you seem like a bigger bitch then Trey “I haven’t had consensual sex with a women in 9 years” Wingo but fuck it, I feel bad for not only you, but the loser of a women who would agree to spawn your children,lets do this thang. Prepare to get a little knowledge dropped on you courtesy of JAWS”.

Let me break it down like this: I dont think an hour goes by where I don’t here something about performance enhancing drugs. I mean shit, last  night during the Dodgers and Giants spring training game I must have seen at least 7 commercials for extense, 5 comercials for Viagra and 3 commercials for Cialis. For fucks sake, I’ve tried them all and nothing will keep Mrs. Jaworski happy and faithful. During the game I must have heard about A-Fraud (Copyright Ron Jaworski 2006!) at least a dozen times. Plus that image of a roided up Bill Romanski nailing my wife in a very uncomfortable place goes through my head at least once every 6 minutes! So friends, I’m sure you can see that I am what we call in the bizz (the business) an expert on the subject.

Believe me, I could break it down all day for you folks, but I was unfortunately only given  a 788 word column to make my point. Apparently Mr. RonMexico2002 thinks that I “like to go off on random tangents and typically don’t stick to the topic at hand” and apparently they would also like me to incorporate the use of pictures….

Before today I wasn’t even sure what a Blurg was, hell I thought it was one of those freaky sex moves Sean Salisbury used to use on my wife and quite frankly Mr. Mexico2002, Mr. Boonesfarm, Mr. AintEasy and Mr. Mariotti: I don’t even know what a tangent is, let me break it down like this: when your a hall of fame quarterback knowing the difference between a rhombus, a strippers left tit, a bag of shit and a tangent really isn’t that big of a deal you know? I never took trigonometry like you fucking basement dwelling nerds. I was to busy winning super bowls while you were in your parent’s basements playing me on Troy Aikman’s Football on SNES. Anywho back to the subject at hand: My wife is a tramp and I really don’t care about steroids, in fact steroids have helped out many American’s throughout history, many of which you probably had no idea of….until now(with pictures!):

 

"Speak Softy and carry a big hypodermic"

"Speak Softly and carry a big hypodermic"

Yeah thats right, Teddy Roosevelt was on “the juice”. You think the man ended the civil war WITHOUT steroids? That’s about as likely as my wife staying faithful to me over the course of 6 months.

 

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

What’s the difference between Snowflake and Ray Finkle? ummm….maybee the fact that Snowflake fucking Rulez!1!!1Why do you think Finkle missed that game winning field goal? Lack of Steroids. Now alot of people tell me “Ron, Ray Finkle never existed, that was a movie staring Harry Carey”. Let me break it down like this: Those people are fucking dick-shitting morons, I should know, I was there when Finkle missed that kick and gave MY Eagles the super bowl XXXXVI victory, I remember that night as well as I found Roger Padaki “porkin’ my wife”

 

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

 

Now here is a man who should need no introduction,Dirk Owen’s is literally the Ron Jaworkski of the Bukkake film industry. The man is a constant performer and truly rises to any challenge.  Owen’s has long been a big proponent of steroids to enhance his career, I am a huge fan of all his works with the exception of Bukkake Birthday Bash 8 which reminds me to much of the time  I walked in on my wife during our honeymoon.

So in summation: Steroids aren’t always a bad thing and my wife really needs to stop banging Ken Norton Jr and the rest of the 1995 San Francisco 49ers.

 

(This may or may not have been a complete work of fiction)