Welcome back

Contrary to popular belief we did not sell our naming rights to chip n dales…..just on a long summer hiatis..hell I was suprised my login actually worked. But apprently our internal clocks all ticked, the offseason is over. No more boring weekends filled with Tiger choke jobs or trips to your mother in laws. Its football time and this year we would like to say we kinda have our shit together here at gaymariotti, the first smell of pigskin is thursday night with 2 teams on my shit list the blue turfers of Boise State travel to Oregon and their Pac 10 officals. Its about time for some real action after watching 20 straight hours of a college football marathon im really on edge. Look for exclusive converage this weekend including us embarking on the dubious task of podcasts. Until then ….

Thank god

Thank god

The week that was…..Manny being Manny …….and Farve…..resembling a teenage girl

Yeah , were still alive……Just went on a short hiatis,nothing brings me out a hiatis better than a sick case of deja vu. Wasnt it about a year ago when Ed Werder and his awesome mustache were down mississippi in the swamp on Farve watch. And wasnt about a year ago when the ole gray beard decided he could still sling it and wanted to stick it to Ted Thompson for letting him go. Fast foward through the season, the departure of Chad Pennington to miami, a dismal finish , the firing of Eric Mangini, and the downfall of the New York Jets. Just stating the facts bald eagle, but something must have posessed Brad Childress to jump on a plane down to that same mississpi swamp. Maybe its the fact the future of the franchise rest heavily on the play of free agent singing of Sage Rosenfels. Because lets face it, Adrian Peterson cant do it all himself, with that line hes been worn out more than our favorite song poker face in just 2 short years. Thank god you didnt come back brett, spare of the next two months of your bargining with teams, or how you want the chance you show your old team up like suzy at the prom. I havent seen any new wrangler spots lately, maybe theres a fishing show in your future, your arm is dead. Stay in the south.

So Manny is juiced up, hmm what gave it away….was it the face that the baby fat he came up with in the indians organization has suddenly turned to muscle even though he was traded from a word champion baseball team for not wanting to play defense and being just plain lazy. Listen I could care less about this garbage, I was more interested in the news one of the golden girls passed away. Sorry Baseball purist, myself included, the game isnt pure anymore. We saw it in the spring with Aroid, they are probably alll juiced at some point and time. We are never going to get the game back pre strike. But its still americas pasttime, and we will still watch, and go thru the gates and pay the ticket prices, we like to see guys hit 70 long balls and throw 100 milles a hour. What the hell else are we going to watch in the dog days of summer, and im pulling your man card if u said american idol. The most comical part of this whole saga is the substance for which manny tested positive for….a female fertility drug. Used to even out the body and a steriod cycle. How many big names are actually firtile enough to be pregnant right now….we just one we know off, good thing he cant get knocked up we only need one Manny in the world. He might cost him the team the division…..after his off season holdout hes on thin ice….Maybe he can live off sales of his ridiculous rosta dome piece they have been hocking at the dodger games…So cal is a weird place

manny

Madness…..Not so much

Every man has it in his DNA…..Towards the end of Feburary and the beginning of March…..when you long to hear the soulful voice of Mr Gus Johnson. When you try to turn ten lousy bucks into a couple hundred, and at the same time make rick ,your office rival look like a huge tool with your Cleveland State pick. For the second straight year this glorious event we know as the NCAA tournement has become a simple chalk event. Last year all four number one seeds made it through to San Antonio and we had an epic championship game between Memphis and Kansas. The opening week of this years tournement shows this to be a growing trend. Is is possible that the NCAA selection committee is actually getting it right for once. Two number one seeds looked impressive in opening two rounds….North Carolina had one bad half before guard Ty Lawson took over…..Uconn was barely touched in the first two rounds…..Louisville and Pitt survived second round upsets by Oklahoma State and Sienna to move on . So now we move on to the sweet sixteen with the most 1-4 seeds alive in a long time…..heres the weekends best.

Best Game-(Round of 16)
Tie…..Michigan state vs Kansas….KU’s youth and talent vs a Senior laden Spartans team

Oklahoma vs Syracuse……Blake Griffin vs the Cuse zone…..will OU’s guards show up?

Upset Alert…..UNC vs Gonzaga
Xavier vs Pitt…..no explanation I just
smell the upset here

Worse game…..Arizona vs Louisville….the Cats run
of low seeds ends here

Look for continuing coverage through the weekend on gaymariotti.com…..or you can just watch ESPN and see them talk about Obamas bracket for the 200th time

Let me break it down like this: Ron Jaworski’s take on the Steroid Scandal

 

Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

Look at that Fucking smile! Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me! That Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

 

When the local scribes columnists  fat pathetic virgins at Gaymariotti.com approached me to do a guest blurg on the recent “steroid scandal”  I said, “Sure, guys why not? I’d like to consider myself an expert on the subject because let me break it down like this: When you come home from the 1997 ESPY awards and catch you wife being drilled in the asshole  by Bill Romanowski you better believe that you have a take in regards to steroids, am I right?!? But what the fuck is this thing you call a blurg?”

One of them, BrettBoonefarm looked at me and said “Coach,  I’m having a real problem talking to my 5 sons about steroids. If you could just break it down for all of us, I would forever be in your gratitude.”

So I looked at that pathetic excuse for a man and said: “Brett, you seem like a bigger bitch then Trey “I haven’t had consensual sex with a women in 9 years” Wingo but fuck it, I feel bad for not only you, but the loser of a women who would agree to spawn your children,lets do this thang. Prepare to get a little knowledge dropped on you courtesy of JAWS”.

Let me break it down like this: I dont think an hour goes by where I don’t here something about performance enhancing drugs. I mean shit, last  night during the Dodgers and Giants spring training game I must have seen at least 7 commercials for extense, 5 comercials for Viagra and 3 commercials for Cialis. For fucks sake, I’ve tried them all and nothing will keep Mrs. Jaworski happy and faithful. During the game I must have heard about A-Fraud (Copyright Ron Jaworski 2006!) at least a dozen times. Plus that image of a roided up Bill Romanski nailing my wife in a very uncomfortable place goes through my head at least once every 6 minutes! So friends, I’m sure you can see that I am what we call in the bizz (the business) an expert on the subject.

Believe me, I could break it down all day for you folks, but I was unfortunately only given  a 788 word column to make my point. Apparently Mr. RonMexico2002 thinks that I “like to go off on random tangents and typically don’t stick to the topic at hand” and apparently they would also like me to incorporate the use of pictures….

Before today I wasn’t even sure what a Blurg was, hell I thought it was one of those freaky sex moves Sean Salisbury used to use on my wife and quite frankly Mr. Mexico2002, Mr. Boonesfarm, Mr. AintEasy and Mr. Mariotti: I don’t even know what a tangent is, let me break it down like this: when your a hall of fame quarterback knowing the difference between a rhombus, a strippers left tit, a bag of shit and a tangent really isn’t that big of a deal you know? I never took trigonometry like you fucking basement dwelling nerds. I was to busy winning super bowls while you were in your parent’s basements playing me on Troy Aikman’s Football on SNES. Anywho back to the subject at hand: My wife is a tramp and I really don’t care about steroids, in fact steroids have helped out many American’s throughout history, many of which you probably had no idea of….until now(with pictures!):

 

"Speak Softy and carry a big hypodermic"

"Speak Softly and carry a big hypodermic"

Yeah thats right, Teddy Roosevelt was on “the juice”. You think the man ended the civil war WITHOUT steroids? That’s about as likely as my wife staying faithful to me over the course of 6 months.

 

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

What’s the difference between Snowflake and Ray Finkle? ummm….maybee the fact that Snowflake fucking Rulez!1!!1Why do you think Finkle missed that game winning field goal? Lack of Steroids. Now alot of people tell me “Ron, Ray Finkle never existed, that was a movie staring Harry Carey”. Let me break it down like this: Those people are fucking dick-shitting morons, I should know, I was there when Finkle missed that kick and gave MY Eagles the super bowl XXXXVI victory, I remember that night as well as I found Roger Padaki “porkin’ my wife”

 

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

 

Now here is a man who should need no introduction,Dirk Owen’s is literally the Ron Jaworkski of the Bukkake film industry. The man is a constant performer and truly rises to any challenge.  Owen’s has long been a big proponent of steroids to enhance his career, I am a huge fan of all his works with the exception of Bukkake Birthday Bash 8 which reminds me to much of the time  I walked in on my wife during our honeymoon.

So in summation: Steroids aren’t always a bad thing and my wife really needs to stop banging Ken Norton Jr and the rest of the 1995 San Francisco 49ers.

 

(This may or may not have been a complete work of fiction)

Hmm…Teenwolf?

Rumble is a scorpio.....he enjoys long walks on the beach and just kicking it

Rumble is a scorpio.....he enjoys long walks on the beach and just kicking it

The 2009 NBA Dunk Contest……I want my 45 minutes back bitch!!!

Let’s just put it this way, the “slam dunk contest” is nothing more than a fucking “popularity contest”.  Nate “the Kryptonite” Robinson doesn’t even deserve to be in an NBA jersey.   Real dunkers should be slamming Robinson through the fucking hoop.  I haven’t seen an overacting little bitch like this since Flavor Flav’s 15 minutes of fame on VH1.  Nate never should have won in 2006 when Iguodola got robbed worse than Metallica at the 1989 grammys.  Robinson is indeed the Jethro Tull of slam dunk contests.  The only way I would have enjoyed that performance is if “Jethro” would have pulled a flute out (a la Ron Burgundy) and sexually assaulted Cheryl Miller at center court, causing an inevitable life sentence for the John Starks wannabe and a rather LARGE need for magnum condoms.

Rudy Fernandez should have advanced to the 2nd round after he had the second best dunk of the night going off the  back of the backboard and dunking on the reverse side of the hoop.  But what do you know, he’s not as popular as the 5 foot whurrling durmish, so he gets snuffed.  The only explanation I have is that the former NBA stars, turned fat lazy judges, were born in Canada.  We all know canadiens are “aboot” as fucking retarded as the future offspring of Luke Walton and Rebecca Lobo.

You want to make the slam dunk contest entertaining?  Then lets try this lineup:  Josh Howard can start off by dunking the ball with one hand, a joint in the other, just high as shit.  Carmello Anthony can follow, drunk off his ass trying to do a two handed dunk on a 7 foot goal (later driving the rest of the contestants home)  all while Charles Barkley is betting $100,000 large on the competition as Tim Donaghy officiates the dunks.  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that?

Thank God Lebron will be in next years contest.  After one hell of a weak ass All Star Saturday I will leave you with a young man who acutally can dunk.  “Superman” ain’t got shit on this Turkish All Star.  Enjoy…

 

Ladies and gentlemen….your player of the year

Blake went off for 40 and 23 boards today…I hope Tyler Hansbrough was watching