CHOKELAHOMA STRIKES AGAIN

Pardon my french: But what the holy fucking shit happened last night? As if shitting the bed against Texas, Kansas and Missouri (Bye Bye #1 seed!)wasn’t bad enough to finish up the season the Sooners had to pull a…well…uh…a  Sooners and go out and blow there first game of the Big 12 Tourney. (Hello #3 or #4 seed!) 

Excuse me while I channel my inner Ron Jaworski (Speaking of “the Jaws”, his highly anticipated NCAA Tourney Preview will be up Sunday! ) but let me break it down like this:I haven’t  seen a fucking choke like this since the Silk Spectre attempted to deep-throat Dr. Manhattan’s big blue cock in the Watchmen Director’s cut DVD (Trust me, its there).

Bottom line is: Capel needs to stop doing his best Bob Stoops impression ASAP and get this team back on track, otherwise this potential dream season will end up being about as enjoyable as Juanna Mann. 

On a lighter note: It appears that Mega Hunk Joe Mauer is healthy again, which means only one thing baseball is a commin! Look for the Gay Mariotti 2009 baseball preview towards the end of the month. Things have been a little light around here during this black abyss of the sporting calendar we like to call Feburary and Smarch, but things should be picking up shortly.

Censored for your protection.

Censored for your protection.

Let me break it down like this: Ron Jaworski’s take on the Steroid Scandal

 

Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

Look at that Fucking smile! Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me! That Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.

 

When the local scribes columnists  fat pathetic virgins at Gaymariotti.com approached me to do a guest blurg on the recent “steroid scandal”  I said, “Sure, guys why not? I’d like to consider myself an expert on the subject because let me break it down like this: When you come home from the 1997 ESPY awards and catch you wife being drilled in the asshole  by Bill Romanowski you better believe that you have a take in regards to steroids, am I right?!? But what the fuck is this thing you call a blurg?”

One of them, BrettBoonefarm looked at me and said “Coach,  I’m having a real problem talking to my 5 sons about steroids. If you could just break it down for all of us, I would forever be in your gratitude.”

So I looked at that pathetic excuse for a man and said: “Brett, you seem like a bigger bitch then Trey “I haven’t had consensual sex with a women in 9 years” Wingo but fuck it, I feel bad for not only you, but the loser of a women who would agree to spawn your children,lets do this thang. Prepare to get a little knowledge dropped on you courtesy of JAWS”.

Let me break it down like this: I dont think an hour goes by where I don’t here something about performance enhancing drugs. I mean shit, last  night during the Dodgers and Giants spring training game I must have seen at least 7 commercials for extense, 5 comercials for Viagra and 3 commercials for Cialis. For fucks sake, I’ve tried them all and nothing will keep Mrs. Jaworski happy and faithful. During the game I must have heard about A-Fraud (Copyright Ron Jaworski 2006!) at least a dozen times. Plus that image of a roided up Bill Romanski nailing my wife in a very uncomfortable place goes through my head at least once every 6 minutes! So friends, I’m sure you can see that I am what we call in the bizz (the business) an expert on the subject.

Believe me, I could break it down all day for you folks, but I was unfortunately only given  a 788 word column to make my point. Apparently Mr. RonMexico2002 thinks that I “like to go off on random tangents and typically don’t stick to the topic at hand” and apparently they would also like me to incorporate the use of pictures….

Before today I wasn’t even sure what a Blurg was, hell I thought it was one of those freaky sex moves Sean Salisbury used to use on my wife and quite frankly Mr. Mexico2002, Mr. Boonesfarm, Mr. AintEasy and Mr. Mariotti: I don’t even know what a tangent is, let me break it down like this: when your a hall of fame quarterback knowing the difference between a rhombus, a strippers left tit, a bag of shit and a tangent really isn’t that big of a deal you know? I never took trigonometry like you fucking basement dwelling nerds. I was to busy winning super bowls while you were in your parent’s basements playing me on Troy Aikman’s Football on SNES. Anywho back to the subject at hand: My wife is a tramp and I really don’t care about steroids, in fact steroids have helped out many American’s throughout history, many of which you probably had no idea of….until now(with pictures!):

 

"Speak Softy and carry a big hypodermic"

"Speak Softly and carry a big hypodermic"

Yeah thats right, Teddy Roosevelt was on “the juice”. You think the man ended the civil war WITHOUT steroids? That’s about as likely as my wife staying faithful to me over the course of 6 months.

 

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin

What’s the difference between Snowflake and Ray Finkle? ummm….maybee the fact that Snowflake fucking Rulez!1!!1Why do you think Finkle missed that game winning field goal? Lack of Steroids. Now alot of people tell me “Ron, Ray Finkle never existed, that was a movie staring Harry Carey”. Let me break it down like this: Those people are fucking dick-shitting morons, I should know, I was there when Finkle missed that kick and gave MY Eagles the super bowl XXXXVI victory, I remember that night as well as I found Roger Padaki “porkin’ my wife”

 

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens

 

Now here is a man who should need no introduction,Dirk Owen’s is literally the Ron Jaworkski of the Bukkake film industry. The man is a constant performer and truly rises to any challenge.  Owen’s has long been a big proponent of steroids to enhance his career, I am a huge fan of all his works with the exception of Bukkake Birthday Bash 8 which reminds me to much of the time  I walked in on my wife during our honeymoon.

So in summation: Steroids aren’t always a bad thing and my wife really needs to stop banging Ken Norton Jr and the rest of the 1995 San Francisco 49ers.

 

(This may or may not have been a complete work of fiction)

Michael Phelps dropped from Frosted Flakes sponsorship, but picked back up by Kellog’s later that day?

Yeah, I found it strange too….

 

Now with 33% of your Daily Value of THC

Now with 33% of your Daily Value of THC

Brent Musburger’s New Years Resolution

Brent Musburger is a piece of shit, and overall I find him to be about as clever as a fucking tampon (unused). However he delivered one of the more memorable quotes at his post game news conference (Shown live on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN360, ESPN.com, ESPN Deportes)  when Stephen A. Smith asked him about his New Years resolution. His uncut answer is below:

“Well there folks, thats a pretty tough question. Let me tell you this much pardner[sic], much like USC’s continuing domination in the college game I too am pretty much perfect. However, there is one thing I would like to bring to the world in 2009, and that is to spread the word even more on just how fucking awesome Pete Caroll’s nut-sack is. Sure, we all know that Pete Caroll is the greatest coach in the history of sports, we all know that USC should have won the past 18 national championships. But very few people know the amazingness that is Pete Caroll’s masterful balls. Those balls have lead USC to back-to back- to back- to back- to back-to back-to back-to back MCS(Musburger Championship Series) trophies. Just thinking of those pasty, slightly wrinkled yet masterful balls makes me wonder what other majestic and bountiful things Pete Caroll’s nether regions have in store for us. I wonder if he likes having a finger in his butt-hole when receiving fellatio from his many female admirers. Folks, let me tell you from personal expirence, nothing beats a finger in the bunghole during a beej, and I mean nothing! Sideline reporter Holly Rowe actually is quite the expert in this, but please don’t tell Mrs. Musburger folks! Actually speaking of Holly Rowe, rumor has it that her 125 pound weight gain in the past 3 years is due to the buckets of Mr. Caroll’s semen she has been in fact digesting…I guess there is a such thing as too much of a good thing, right Herby?

But this is besides the point, I just really whole world needs to know just how awesome Mr. Carroll’s slightly hairy testicles really are. There used to be an old wives tale floating around the ESPN headquarters that Mr. Caroll once gave Linda Cohn, Bonnie Berstein and Summer Sanders all simultaneous orgasms just by texting them a picture of his luscious scrotum. Sean Salisbury foolishly tried to repeat this gesture several years later and was rewarded with a suspension.  Im sure if I went to the studio to ask John Saunders or down on the sideline with Doctor Jack Arute they would both confirm these spectacular stories.”

Musburger went on about Pete Caroll’s balls for another 10 minutes, but I am far to lazy to transcribe the rest rather I will just point out some highlights:

  • Pete Caroll’s Balls cure AIDS. 
  • Pete Caroll’s balls recently signed a 7 year 14 million dollar endorsement contract for ESPN.
  • Apparently his “glorious nut sack” will get a 18 page spread in the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 
  • Pete Caroll recently got his balls a 34 million dollar life insurance policy. 
  • Pete Caroll prefers Johnson’s 100% organic testicle shampoo.

 

Some might find Musburger’s remarks about Pete Caroll a bit “Crass” or a bit “Over the line” or might wonder if “he has been doing lines of cocaine off of John Kruks ass crack again”. But to this journalist, I must say that I am hardly surprised for Mr. Musburger’s love for balls of the USC head coach.

 

*All of the, Some of the,  a couple of the  things in the previous 4 paragraphs may not be real not have been said.

Billy Sims, Spokesman for OU?

“I love the university so much,” he said, choking back tears. “I try to be a spokesman for them. And I will continue to be myself and let people know about the great state of Oklahoma. And I will never, ever stop saying ‘Boomer Sooner,’ regardless of who don’t like it.” – Billy Sims

 

Billy Sims was a great college football player, and I feel bad for how his NFL career turned out…but in all honesty I think Oklahoma can find a better spokesman then a guy who:

A.) Beat his wife (Allegedly)

B.) Went Bankrupt

C.) Sold his heisman trophy….twice.

 

Boomer X 11

Boomer X 11

Spokesman for OU? 

I nominate Darrell Royal…

 

 

“Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!Boomer!” -Gay Mariotti.com

 

 


GayMarioitti’s Heisman Vote (aka the post with Tebow’s hot girlfriend)

Due to a glitch in the system (One of our contributors used to work at ESPN) we at Gay Mariotti have actually recieved a vote for the Hesiman trophy! We will be submitting it under a name, that will not be revealed until Sunday morning…

Being the  University of Oklahoma Homers that we all most of us are.. we obviously pick Bradford as number one. Because, lets face it he’s pretty much the 2nd coming of Sean Salisbury.

At number 2 we have Tim Tebow, because lets be honest anyone taping the girl below obviously deserves some strong consideration for any award….

lucy2

Un-fucking-real

 

Meanwhile Colt McCoy’s girlfriend unfournately knocked him out of consideration for our ballot…..

sheep

She has a great personality....

 

 


BCS: A fair,true and accurate breakdown.

Strength of Schedule…. Harris Polls…Computer polls…”Style Points”….Colt McCoy’s creamy thighs….. The components of the BCS can be confusing to the common man, but we here at Gay Mariotti have broken it down to show you each component and subsequent rankings that went into picking Oklahoma as the Big 12 south Champ.

 

MAC users hate Mack Brown, its a known fact
33% of the vote: MAC users hate Mack Brown, its a known fact

 

 

1.) Alabama 2.) Oklahoma 3.) Florida 4.) Reed College (Steve Jobs alma mater) 5.) USC….118.) Texas 119.) Bill Gates

Bristol...as in Bristol CT...as in the home of ESPN...I smell a conflict of interest

33% of the vote: Bristol...as in Bristol CT...as in the home of ESPN...I smell a conflict of interest

1. Brett Favre 2.) Brett Favre 3.) Boston Red Sox 4.) Brett Favre 5.) Stuart Scotts Lazy Eye 6.) Notre Dame 7.) USC 8.) The entire SEC 9.) Texas 10.) Oklahoma

 

Suddenly things become so much clearer....

33% of the vote: Suddenly things become so much Clearer

 

 

 

1.) Fresno State 2.) Cal State Fullerton 3.) Clemson 4.) FSU 5.) Georgia Tech….21.) Oklahoma.. 23.) Texas

 

 

 

Gaymariotti.com “Boomer Sooner!”