Live Blog: Oklahoma vs North Carolina

Because I am to hung-over to goto a bar (Shocking!) I decided to try our first attempt at a live blog, I will be posting along with a select number of my low-life friends who decide to participate…. it should be incredibly shitty and I apologize in advance.



20:00 1st half– I have my Bud Light, Papa Johns ultimate pepperoni pizza and state farm insurance all ready to go. Lets go Sooners!

16:17 1st half- Sooners finally get on the board….about fucking time. 7-2 North Carolina. Im usually anti-bitching about refs but……Oklahoma is getting raped on these foul calls.

Howie Long is a fucking tool, Chevy makes a good car but I hope Dennis Leary sticks an F-150 up his ass.

15:10 1st half– 9-2…Feel free to stop shitting the bed anytime now guys….

14:03 1st half– 13-2…. 

13:08 1st half- 15-6…..Hahaha suck my fucking Balls Tyler Hansborough. Willie Warren holding the team together thus far.

12:44 1st half- (Message from Tad: The Sooners Need to shoot better) Dynamite Drop in Donny! Those years at blogcast school are really paying off.

11:00 1st half-  17-10….OU starting to show some signs of life. 11 total fouls in 9 minutes, these refs better put the whistles away eventually. This game will end up having zero flow. 

Burger King mini burgers: I would LOVE to meet the woman who would have an orgasm over a mini burger, I would probably propose to her on the spot. 

8:29 1st Half- 21-11….Blake Griffen makes his first point! 1 down, 26 more to go! And follows with a dunk. Keep it up!

Im not sure how I can possibly wait until Friday to see the new Fast and the Furious movie, the next 112 hours will be rough without my Paul Walker Fix.

5:38 28-16: WTF, how do you pass up those shots and settle for a last second prayer? Sooners need to get this back into single digits. 

How the FUCK do you get a shot clock violation!!!!!!

4:42– MAKE A SHOT!!!! Still early, but you gotta start playing eventually…..

3:48- 28-18……..By my count that is now 4 airballs (actually 5: Thanks Schlanker) by North Carolina. Sloppy game all around, Blake is starting to show signs of life which is good. If Crocker can heat up a bit Oklahoma can cut it to a 5 point deficit by half-time.

Coke zero is actually a pretty damn good soda.

2:45- You cant spell turnover without OU? 😦

Half Time- UNC 32 OU 23. Oklahoma played a pretty terrible first half overall, and frankly are quite lucky to still be in this game (Read: Poor shooting, poor free throw shooting, to many turnovers) The good news is, they are only down by 9 points and BGriff seems to be just warming up.This game is very far from over and I fully expect Griffen to dominate the rest of the game. 

That Henieken commercial is the shit!


Half Time Motivational Video to follow…..


(Schlankers 1st half analysis: “We look like a bunch of fucking ass clowns out there, however Patillo is the man!”)

(From Tad: Thank God Seth Davis just informed us that the Sooners are relying on Blake Griffen….I did not realize this! What a fucking Tool, that guy brings shame to the Davis Name.

We’re about to be subjected to one million shots of psycho t’s retard face on the bench combined with the griffin mutli-racial parents.

Heineken, great commercials…overrated beer has nothing on a good pbr)


17:27 2nd half- 38-29… Good News: Starting to shoot better. Bad News:the turnovers are still killing Oklahoma.

(Tad:i can’t keep count of the psycho t dumbface shots)

16:21- FUCK YES!!! What a dunk!

Why is Crocker passing up that shot?!?! 

In totally unrelated news: The ShamWow guy was recently arrested for getting into a fight with a woman:


(From Tad: i guarantee i’d eat more at taco bell if they stopped putting pregnant drag queens in their commercials.

ou turnovers > three point shots taken)

14:13- 47-35 Make a FREE THROW!!

Carolina is on fire… someone besides BGriff REALLY needs to step up.

(From Tad: Memo to OU administration: Hire Hotter Cheerleaders)

13:00- Patillo- Laser Rocket Arm

Candle light vigil for Oklahoma’s tournament run:

11:48- 53-40…..brb, Beer Run. Hopefully OU has it back into single digits by the time I return…

8:47 Sooners are 17 points down now? What the fuck just happened? Not looking to good…. 😦

(From Tad: can’t believe cbs waited this long to show the capel half court shot against carolina)

Personally Im surprised they showed it at all…it’s unsettling to know that the highlight totally just gave Dick Vitale a massive erection.

 (From Sharkfan: If OU were a band they’d be called Blake Griffin and the dialers, because the rest of the team is phoning it in. ZING!)

(From Tad:just remembered why ou has no hot cheerleaders…david boren is president (read between the lines folks))

7:38- Thanks for rubbing salt in the wound CBS……care to show a Boise State vs OU highlight as well?
The fat lady might be warming up :/
7:02- Tyler Hansborough fucking fail.
(From Shark Fan: OU’s defensive Scheme: By Golly, I hope UNC doesnt make a 3!”)

4:31- 61-49….Dont call it a comeback! Boomer Sooner! Couple more threes and we got a ball game!
(From Tad: blake griffin doing his daily tea-bagging of an opponent)
You CANT put Lawson on the line! OU’s missed free throws are coming back to haunt them.

3:49 Phantom call on Blake. What a bunch of horseshit.
(From D-DOSS: Is it bad that the Shamwow story made me think of Tad?)

2:40 67-53 ……Now or never guys….

1:52 Bummer, nothing to be ashamed about…just needed more shots to fall, along with a lot less turnovers…. Good night Oklahoma 2009 Season…it was fun….




(From D-Doss: Did Obama just get credited for getting UNC to the Final Four? Damn South Park had it so right)

1:02 The only person more annoying then Hansborough is Tim Tebow. Unfortunately both have broken Sooner fans hearts this year.

0:00- Closing time. Many thanks to everyone who stopped by our shitty little website to check this out today, keep on coming back! Also, thanks to Tad, Schlanker, D-Doss and Sharklover for helping out. Wish the outcome was different…
Again: Thanks for showing support to! Cheers!
Fuck it dude, lets go bowling....

Fuck it dude, lets go bowling....



Pardon my french: But what the holy fucking shit happened last night? As if shitting the bed against Texas, Kansas and Missouri (Bye Bye #1 seed!)wasn’t bad enough to finish up the season the Sooners had to pull a…well…uh…a  Sooners and go out and blow there first game of the Big 12 Tourney. (Hello #3 or #4 seed!) 

Excuse me while I channel my inner Ron Jaworski (Speaking of “the Jaws”, his highly anticipated NCAA Tourney Preview will be up Sunday! ) but let me break it down like this:I haven’t  seen a fucking choke like this since the Silk Spectre attempted to deep-throat Dr. Manhattan’s big blue cock in the Watchmen Director’s cut DVD (Trust me, its there).

Bottom line is: Capel needs to stop doing his best Bob Stoops impression ASAP and get this team back on track, otherwise this potential dream season will end up being about as enjoyable as Juanna Mann. 

On a lighter note: It appears that Mega Hunk Joe Mauer is healthy again, which means only one thing baseball is a commin! Look for the Gay Mariotti 2009 baseball preview towards the end of the month. Things have been a little light around here during this black abyss of the sporting calendar we like to call Feburary and Smarch, but things should be picking up shortly.

Censored for your protection.

Censored for your protection.

Michael Phelps dropped from Frosted Flakes sponsorship, but picked back up by Kellog’s later that day?

Yeah, I found it strange too….


Now with 33% of your Daily Value of THC

Now with 33% of your Daily Value of THC

Gaymariotti goes to the BCS national Championship game!


John's ass everyone...

John's ass everyone...

This entry will be a little light today….Its noon 1:00 pm 2:24pm and we are already   still drunk  shitfaced. Our buddy(pic above) just walked around Miami for 30 minutes with a cock drawn on his face, he had no idea until a kind 80 year old woman informed him of this…another interesting note: We saw Kirk Herbstreit wasted at the club Mansion last night at 2am last night. Was on sportscenter less then 5 hours later…..guy is a pimp.Boomer fucking sooner! Tebow…you can go fist yourself. Hopefully tonight and tomorrow will be a 24 hour celebration!  meh, I have nothing clever to say today…look for a post game wrap up comming from RonMexico2002 later tonight but until then  heres some photos of the hottest woman alive….


Boooooonnnnneeer Sooooonnnneeer!

Boooooonnnnneeer Sooooonnnneeer!


God Fucking Damn...

God Fucking Damn...

Boomer Sooner!

Deathpool update #1 : Carl Pohlad

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad died yesterday at the age of 93… I was the only one out of our  death pool to have picked him. So the early scoreboard is 1st place: me (7pts) ….tied for 2nd:everyone else (0).

Carl was a very polorazing man while alive, he made his fourtune forclosing on farmers during the great depression and many years later he partnered up with Bud Selig to try to contract the Twins from the MLB back in 2001. Ultimately, as a Twins fan, I can never forgive him for doing this. It was an malicious and unnecessary act of pure greed, but seeing how he made his fortune…how could you be surprised?

You could call Carl Pohlad greedy, shady, a backstabber, or even a stingy old crotchety asshole and I wouldn’t disagree with you. However he was a WWII purple heart recipient, and he did preside over the 1987 and 1991 world series winning Minnesota Twins. And for both of these things I must tip my proverbial cap to him. Without him, my greatest memory may never have came to fruition (1991 World Series, Game 7…sitting in the upper deck. Twins win 1-0 in 10 innings).

Even though I can never forgive him for what he tried to do to my beloved Twins, and Im sure there are/were many a family who curses his name daily for taking there land….. but he bravely fought for this country and was even hurt for his country in battle, and he brought the Twins Cities two of its finest years. So at the end of the day I guess I have to give the old man the respect he surely deserves. 

R.I.P Carl…. say hi to Kirby for us……


Thank you!!

Thank you!!

fuck you

fuck you



Brent Musburger’s New Years Resolution

Brent Musburger is a piece of shit, and overall I find him to be about as clever as a fucking tampon (unused). However he delivered one of the more memorable quotes at his post game news conference (Shown live on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN360,, ESPN Deportes)  when Stephen A. Smith asked him about his New Years resolution. His uncut answer is below:

“Well there folks, thats a pretty tough question. Let me tell you this much pardner[sic], much like USC’s continuing domination in the college game I too am pretty much perfect. However, there is one thing I would like to bring to the world in 2009, and that is to spread the word even more on just how fucking awesome Pete Caroll’s nut-sack is. Sure, we all know that Pete Caroll is the greatest coach in the history of sports, we all know that USC should have won the past 18 national championships. But very few people know the amazingness that is Pete Caroll’s masterful balls. Those balls have lead USC to back-to back- to back- to back- to back-to back-to back-to back MCS(Musburger Championship Series) trophies. Just thinking of those pasty, slightly wrinkled yet masterful balls makes me wonder what other majestic and bountiful things Pete Caroll’s nether regions have in store for us. I wonder if he likes having a finger in his butt-hole when receiving fellatio from his many female admirers. Folks, let me tell you from personal expirence, nothing beats a finger in the bunghole during a beej, and I mean nothing! Sideline reporter Holly Rowe actually is quite the expert in this, but please don’t tell Mrs. Musburger folks! Actually speaking of Holly Rowe, rumor has it that her 125 pound weight gain in the past 3 years is due to the buckets of Mr. Caroll’s semen she has been in fact digesting…I guess there is a such thing as too much of a good thing, right Herby?

But this is besides the point, I just really whole world needs to know just how awesome Mr. Carroll’s slightly hairy testicles really are. There used to be an old wives tale floating around the ESPN headquarters that Mr. Caroll once gave Linda Cohn, Bonnie Berstein and Summer Sanders all simultaneous orgasms just by texting them a picture of his luscious scrotum. Sean Salisbury foolishly tried to repeat this gesture several years later and was rewarded with a suspension.  Im sure if I went to the studio to ask John Saunders or down on the sideline with Doctor Jack Arute they would both confirm these spectacular stories.”

Musburger went on about Pete Caroll’s balls for another 10 minutes, but I am far to lazy to transcribe the rest rather I will just point out some highlights:

  • Pete Caroll’s Balls cure AIDS. 
  • Pete Caroll’s balls recently signed a 7 year 14 million dollar endorsement contract for ESPN.
  • Apparently his “glorious nut sack” will get a 18 page spread in the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 
  • Pete Caroll recently got his balls a 34 million dollar life insurance policy. 
  • Pete Caroll prefers Johnson’s 100% organic testicle shampoo.


Some might find Musburger’s remarks about Pete Caroll a bit “Crass” or a bit “Over the line” or might wonder if “he has been doing lines of cocaine off of John Kruks ass crack again”. But to this journalist, I must say that I am hardly surprised for Mr. Musburger’s love for balls of the USC head coach.


*All of the, Some of the,  a couple of the  things in the previous 4 paragraphs may not be real not have been said.

Saying goodbye to the ten most heartbreaking years of sports….ever

“Personally, im not a huge fan of New Years Eve. Why not you ask? Well, let me break it down like this: When you walk in on your wife getting double stuffed by Joe Namath and Buddy Ryan, while Wade Wilson is filiming, during the New Year’s Eve party YOU are hosting….you kind of become a little bit sour from there on out”- Ron Jaworski

Though it is true that the new decade doesn’t start until another 366 days from now. I am ready to say good fucking riddiance to the past 10 years of nothing but heartbreak from every team I root for obsess over.

I am a huge sports fan, always have been and always will be. So for the sake of flodarity(awesome word eh?) I will list the following teams of who I have been a big fan of along with applicable years:

Minnesota Twins (Forever)

Minnesota Vikings (Forever)

Nebraska Cornhuskers (Forever)

Oklahoma Sooners (SINCE 2003)

Iowa State Basketball (Forever)

Seattle Seahawks (SINCE 1999)

 Being a fan of the Twins and Cornhuskers during the 90’s was fucking AWESOME! (See: 1991 World Series, 1994, 1995 and 1997 National Championships) By the end of 1997 my teams were all looking good, (Except for the Twins  who were in the middle of a 8 year slump). The Vikings had just gone 15-1 in the regular season and were looking like a lock for the Super Bowl. The Cornhuskers had just won 3 of the past 4 national championships. And a  Freshman named Marcus Fizer was going to lead the Cyclones basketball team to glorious NCAA tourney run. Of course none of these things did happen and these all kicked off what would lead to ten years of heartbreak.  So without further delay I present to you: My most horrible fucking sports memories of the past ten years (Limited to the worst ten, in no real particular order)

1.) 1998 NFC Championship game Atlanta 30 Minnesota 27- What more can be said about this game? The Vikings FUCKING BLEW IT. This was a choke to end all chokes. Denny Green coached the game like a gigantic douche-bag and fucking Gary Anderson pulled a modern day Ray Finkel. This game was the epitome of a fucking disaster (even by Vikings standards). Fucking Atlanta fucking Falcons, what a bunch of fucking asshats. 


Yup! 30 for 30 in the regular season....

Yup! 30 for 30 in the regular season....

2.)2001 NFC Championship game- Giants 41 Vikings 0. 3 years after the debacle against the Falcons. The Vikings were again looking like strong Super Bowl Contenders. Daunte Culpepper was getting his roll on all season long and the Vikings were actually FAVORED heading into the Meadowlands for a showdown with the Giants. Instead in typical Chokekings fashion they managed to get the piss and shit knocked out of them for 60 minutes and suffered the most lopsided loss in team history. The Vikings haven’t even sniffed the NFC championship since that fateful January day.

Actual Water Bottle Moss used to spray officials..Actual Liquid was goat urine.

Actual Water Bottle Moss used to spray officials..Actual Liquid was goat urine.

3.)2003 week 17 Vikings vs Cardinals- The video below can explain it far better then any words could……


4.) 2001 Rosebowl- Miami 37 Nebraska 14- Nebraska somehow backdoored there way into the National Championship game against Miami, only to get there asses handed to them by a bunch of criminals and scum-bags (read: every Miami football player in the history of the world). Maybee if Frank Solich wasn’t to busy banging the Nebraska Cheerleaders while wasted (read: 2 Children out of wedlock with Nebraska Cheerleaders) they could have held a chance. This was the beginning of a painful stretch for the mighty Cornhuskers as only couple years later the worlds biggest cunt head (see: Bill Callahan) was hired as the next head coach of the Huskers.

Heisman Curse

Heisman Curse

5.) Every Oklahoma Sooners BCS game since 2003- LSU, USC, Boise State and West Virginia can all go fuck themselves. LSU was a heartbreaker and the USC, Boise State and WVU losses were all embarrassing to the entire Big XII. The only good thing that came out of any of these games was the fact that I got some pretty awesome pity sex after the West Virginia Loss (A true rarity).

Thank you Rich Rodriguez!

Thank you Rich Rodriguez!

6- 10 to come later today  tomorrow… (Preview: Minnesota Twins 1 game playoff…Minnesota Twins swept vs Oakland….. 2 seed- Iowa State vs. 15 seed-Hampton NCAA Tourney….. Nebraska vs. Colorado 2000…. Julio Franco 3 Run HR Yankees vs Twins ALDS)

Dishonorable Mentions: Johan Santana trade, Oklahoma vs Oregon, OU vs Texas 2008, Nebraska vs Texas Tech 2004.