Contrary to popular belief we did not sell our naming rights to chip n dales…..just on a long summer hiatis..hell I was suprised my login actually worked. But apprently our internal clocks all ticked, the offseason is over. No more boring weekends filled with Tiger choke jobs or trips to your mother in laws. Its football time and this year we would like to say we kinda have our shit together here at gaymariotti, the first smell of pigskin is thursday night with 2 teams on my shit list the blue turfers of Boise State travel to Oregon and their Pac 10 officals. Its about time for some real action after watching 20 straight hours of a college football marathon im really on edge. Look for exclusive converage this weekend including us embarking on the dubious task of podcasts. Until then ….
yeah yeah yeah, I know. We have been gone for quite awhile, for some reason Ronmexico2003 was able to put up a post out of nowhere, but other then that things have been weaker then Dick Cheney’s sex drive around here lately……[crickets]……….. buuuuuttttt look for things to pick back up once baseball season hits the 2nd half and football season gets closer. Good news: We are in the process of putting together a weekly podcast, with the crew here having over 4 years of sports radio expirience I can confidently say that this will be a complete and utter fucking failure, but we should have some fun drunken times anyways. Many thanks go out to some of the loyal chumpspeoplewho continue to view this website on a somewhat regular basis. We will pick back up on this soon…I promise hope.
So with all that douche baggotry out of the way, I present to you our first ever (stolen somewhat, many thanks go out to www.interstate-8.com for some of the videos) attempt at a bootleg. I was at the Modest Mouse show on March 15th and I must say it was one of there better live sets that I have seen (13 total, no restraining order yet). I have successfully found all the tracks almost all the tracks, from the show and now present them to you from beginning to end.
Enjoy….or not…..
3rd planet:
Education:
Black Cadillacs :
Here it comes (Partial :/) :
King Rat (Fuck yeah! Coming to an EP near you soon!):
The View:
Doin’ the Cockroach:
Custom Concern (from 2000):
Jesus Christ was an only child:
Dance Hall:
Baby Blue Sedan (5 nights later in K.C.):
Bury me with it (shitty quality, partial, blah):
Night on the sun:
Paper Thin Walls:
Satellite Skin:
Dramamine:
Float On:
Parting of the Sensory:
Encore…..
Satin in a Coffin:
Interstate 8:
All Night Diner (very, very old live version):
Thanks for coming back to www.gaymariotti.com, see you again soon!
Yeah , were still alive……Just went on a short hiatis,nothing brings me out a hiatis better than a sick case of deja vu. Wasnt it about a year ago when Ed Werder and his awesome mustache were down mississippi in the swamp on Farve watch. And wasnt about a year ago when the ole gray beard decided he could still sling it and wanted to stick it to Ted Thompson for letting him go. Fast foward through the season, the departure of Chad Pennington to miami, a dismal finish , the firing of Eric Mangini, and the downfall of the New York Jets. Just stating the facts bald eagle, but something must have posessed Brad Childress to jump on a plane down to that same mississpi swamp. Maybe its the fact the future of the franchise rest heavily on the play of free agent singing of Sage Rosenfels. Because lets face it, Adrian Peterson cant do it all himself, with that line hes been worn out more than our favorite song poker face in just 2 short years. Thank god you didnt come back brett, spare of the next two months of your bargining with teams, or how you want the chance you show your old team up like suzy at the prom. I havent seen any new wrangler spots lately, maybe theres a fishing show in your future, your arm is dead. Stay in the south.
So Manny is juiced up, hmm what gave it away….was it the face that the baby fat he came up with in the indians organization has suddenly turned to muscle even though he was traded from a word champion baseball team for not wanting to play defense and being just plain lazy. Listen I could care less about this garbage, I was more interested in the news one of the golden girls passed away. Sorry Baseball purist, myself included, the game isnt pure anymore. We saw it in the spring with Aroid, they are probably alll juiced at some point and time. We are never going to get the game back pre strike. But its still americas pasttime, and we will still watch, and go thru the gates and pay the ticket prices, we like to see guys hit 70 long balls and throw 100 milles a hour. What the hell else are we going to watch in the dog days of summer, and im pulling your man card if u said american idol. The most comical part of this whole saga is the substance for which manny tested positive for….a female fertility drug. Used to even out the body and a steriod cycle. How many big names are actually firtile enough to be pregnant right now….we just one we know off, good thing he cant get knocked up we only need one Manny in the world. He might cost him the team the division…..after his off season holdout hes on thin ice….Maybe he can live off sales of his ridiculous rosta dome piece they have been hocking at the dodger games…So cal is a weird place
Because I am to hung-over to goto a bar (Shocking!) I decided to try our first attempt at a live blog, I will be posting along with a select number of my low-life friends who decide to participate…. it should be incredibly shitty and I apologize in advance.
Enjoy:
20:00 1st half- I have my Bud Light, Papa Johns ultimate pepperoni pizza and state farm insurance all ready to go. Lets go Sooners!
16:17 1st half- Sooners finally get on the board….about fucking time. 7-2 North Carolina. Im usually anti-bitching about refs but……Oklahoma is getting raped on these foul calls.
Howie Long is a fucking tool, Chevy makes a good car but I hope Dennis Leary sticks an F-150 up his ass.
15:10 1st half- 9-2…Feel free to stop shitting the bed anytime now guys….
14:03 1st half- 13-2….
13:08 1st half- 15-6…..Hahaha suck my fucking Balls Tyler Hansborough. Willie Warren holding the team together thus far.
12:44 1st half- (Message from Tad: The Sooners Need to shoot better) Dynamite Drop in Donny! Those years at blogcast school are really paying off.
11:00 1st half- 17-10….OU starting to show some signs of life. 11 total fouls in 9 minutes, these refs better put the whistles away eventually. This game will end up having zero flow.
Burger King mini burgers: I would LOVE to meet the woman who would have an orgasm over a mini burger, I would probably propose to her on the spot.
8:29 1st Half- 21-11….Blake Griffen makes his first point! 1 down, 26 more to go! And follows with a dunk. Keep it up!
Im not sure how I can possibly wait until Friday to see the new Fast and the Furious movie, the next 112 hours will be rough without my Paul Walker Fix.
5:38 28-16: WTF, how do you pass up those shots and settle for a last second prayer? Sooners need to get this back into single digits.
How the FUCK do you get a shot clock violation!!!!!!
4:42- MAKE A SHOT!!!! Still early, but you gotta start playing eventually…..
3:48- 28-18……..By my count that is now 4 airballs (actually 5: Thanks Schlanker) by North Carolina. Sloppy game all around, Blake is starting to show signs of life which is good. If Crocker can heat up a bit Oklahoma can cut it to a 5 point deficit by half-time.
Coke zero is actually a pretty damn good soda.
2:45- You cant spell turnover without OU?
Half Time- UNC 32 OU 23. Oklahoma played a pretty terrible first half overall, and frankly are quite lucky to still be in this game (Read: Poor shooting, poor free throw shooting, to many turnovers) The good news is, they are only down by 9 points and BGriff seems to be just warming up.This game is very far from over and I fully expect Griffen to dominate the rest of the game.
That Henieken commercial is the shit!
Half Time Motivational Video to follow…..
(Schlankers 1st half analysis: “We look like a bunch of fucking ass clowns out there, however Patillo is the man!”)
(From Tad: Thank God Seth Davis just informed us that the Sooners are relying on Blake Griffen….I did not realize this! What a fucking Tool, that guy brings shame to the Davis Name.
We’re about to be subjected to one million shots of psycho t’s retard face on the bench combined with the griffin mutli-racial parents.
Heineken, great commercials…overrated beer has nothing on a good pbr)
17:27 2nd half- 38-29… Good News: Starting to shoot better. Bad News:the turnovers are still killing Oklahoma.
(Tad:i can’t keep count of the psycho t dumbface shots)
16:21- FUCK YES!!! What a dunk!
Why is Crocker passing up that shot?!?!
In totally unrelated news: The ShamWow guy was recently arrested for getting into a fight with a woman:
(From Tad: i guarantee i’d eat more at taco bell if they stopped putting pregnant drag queens in their commercials.
ou turnovers > three point shots taken)
14:13- 47-35 Make a FREE THROW!!
Carolina is on fire… someone besides BGriff REALLY needs to step up.
(From Tad: Memo to OU administration: Hire Hotter Cheerleaders)
13:00- Patillo- Laser Rocket Arm
Candle light vigil for Oklahoma’s tournament run:
11:48- 53-40…..brb, Beer Run. Hopefully OU has it back into single digits by the time I return…
8:47- Sooners are 17 points down now? What the fuck just happened? Not looking to good….
(From Tad: can’t believe cbs waited this long to show the capel half court shot against carolina)
Personally Im surprised they showed it at all…it’s unsettling to know that the highlight totally just gave Dick Vitale a massive erection.
(From Sharkfan: If OU were a band they’d be called Blake Griffin and the dialers, because the rest of the team is phoning it in. ZING!)
(From Tad:just remembered why ou has no hot cheerleaders…david boren is president (read between the lines folks))
7:38- Thanks for rubbing salt in the wound CBS……care to show a Boise State vs OU highlight as well?
The fat lady might be warming up :/
7:02- Tyler Hansborough fucking fail.
(From Shark Fan: OU’s defensive Scheme: By Golly, I hope UNC doesnt make a 3!”)
4:31- 61-49….Dont call it a comeback! Boomer Sooner! Couple more threes and we got a ball game!
(From Tad: blake griffin doing his daily tea-bagging of an opponent)
You CANT put Lawson on the line! OU’s missed free throws are coming back to haunt them.
3:49 Phantom call on Blake. What a bunch of horseshit.
(From D-DOSS: Is it bad that the Shamwow story made me think of Tad?)
2:40 67-53 ……Now or never guys….
1:52 Bummer, nothing to be ashamed about…just needed more shots to fall, along with a lot less turnovers…. Good night Oklahoma 2009 Season…it was fun….
:(
(From D-Doss: Did Obama just get credited for getting UNC to the Final Four? Damn South Park had it so right)
1:02 The only person more annoying then Hansborough is Tim Tebow. Unfortunately both have broken Sooner fans hearts this year.
0:00- Closing time. Many thanks to everyone who stopped by our shitty little website to check this out today, keep on coming back! Also, thanks to Tad, Schlanker, D-Doss and Sharklover for helping out. Wish the outcome was different…
Again: Thanks for showing support to Gaymariotti.com! Cheers!
Every man has it in his DNA…..Towards the end of Feburary and the beginning of March…..when you long to hear the soulful voice of Mr Gus Johnson. When you try to turn ten lousy bucks into a couple hundred, and at the same time make rick ,your office rival look like a huge tool with your Cleveland State pick. For the second straight year this glorious event we know as the NCAA tournement has become a simple chalk event. Last year all four number one seeds made it through to San Antonio and we had an epic championship game between Memphis and Kansas. The opening week of this years tournement shows this to be a growing trend. Is is possible that the NCAA selection committee is actually getting it right for once. Two number one seeds looked impressive in opening two rounds….North Carolina had one bad half before guard Ty Lawson took over…..Uconn was barely touched in the first two rounds…..Louisville and Pitt survived second round upsets by Oklahoma State and Sienna to move on . So now we move on to the sweet sixteen with the most 1-4 seeds alive in a long time…..heres the weekends best.
Best Game-(Round of 16)
Tie…..Michigan state vs Kansas….KU’s youth and talent vs a Senior laden Spartans team
Oklahoma vs Syracuse……Blake Griffin vs the Cuse zone…..will OU’s guards show up?
Upset Alert…..UNC vs Gonzaga
Xavier vs Pitt…..no explanation I just
smell the upset here
Worse game…..Arizona vs Louisville….the Cats run
of low seeds ends here
Look for continuing coverage through the weekend on gaymariotti.com…..or you can just watch ESPN and see them talk about Obamas bracket for the 200th time
Pardon my french: But what the holy fucking shit happened last night? As if shitting the bed against Texas, Kansas and Missouri (Bye Bye #1 seed!)wasn’t bad enough to finish up the season the Sooners had to pull a…well…uh…a Sooners and go out and blow there first game of the Big 12 Tourney. (Hello #3 or #4 seed!)
Excuse me while I channel my inner Ron Jaworski (Speaking of “the Jaws”, his highly anticipated NCAA Tourney Preview will be up Sunday! ) but let me break it down like this:I haven’t seen a fucking choke like this since the Silk Spectre attempted to deep-throat Dr. Manhattan’s big blue cock in the Watchmen Director’s cut DVD (Trust me, its there).
Bottom line is: Capel needs to stop doing his best Bob Stoops impression ASAP and get this team back on track, otherwise this potential dream season will end up being about as enjoyable as Juanna Mann.
On a lighter note: It appears that Mega Hunk Joe Mauer is healthy again, which means only one thing baseball is a commin! Look for the Gay Mariotti 2009 baseball preview towards the end of the month. Things have been a little light around here during this black abyss of the sporting calendar we like to call Feburary and Smarch, but things should be picking up shortly.
Look at that Fucking smile! Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me! That Cokehead Michael Irvin ain't got shit on me.
When the local scribescolumnists fat pathetic virgins at Gaymariotti.com approached me to do a guest blurg on the recent “steroid scandal” I said, “Sure, guys why not? I’d like to consider myself an expert on the subject because let me break it down like this: When you come home from the 1997 ESPY awards and catch you wife being drilled in the asshole by Bill Romanowski you better believe that you have a take in regards to steroids, am I right?!? But what the fuck is this thing you call a blurg?”
One of them, BrettBoonefarm looked at me and said “Coach, I’m having a real problem talking to my 5 sons about steroids. If you could just break it down for all of us, I would forever be in your gratitude.”
So I looked at that pathetic excuse for a man and said: “Brett, you seem like a bigger bitch then Trey “I haven’t had consensual sex with a women in 9 years” Wingo but fuck it, I feel bad for not only you, but the loser of a women who would agree to spawn your children,lets do this thang. Prepare to get a little knowledge dropped on you courtesy of JAWS”.
Let me break it down like this: I dont think an hour goes by where I don’t here something about performance enhancing drugs. I mean shit, last night during the Dodgers and Giants spring training game I must have seen at least 7 commercials for extense, 5 comercials for Viagra and 3 commercials for Cialis. For fucks sake, I’ve tried them all and nothing will keep Mrs. Jaworski happy and faithful. During the game I must have heard about A-Fraud (Copyright Ron Jaworski 2006!) at least a dozen times. Plus that image of a roided up Bill Romanski nailing my wife in a very uncomfortable place goes through my head at least once every 6 minutes! So friends, I’m sure you can see that I am what we call in the bizz (the business) an expert on the subject.
Believe me, I could break it down all day for you folks, but I was unfortunately only given a 788 word column to make my point. Apparently Mr. RonMexico2002 thinks that I “like to go off on random tangents and typically don’t stick to the topic at hand” and apparently they would also like me to incorporate the use of pictures….
Before today I wasn’t even sure what a Blurg was, hell I thought it was one of those freaky sex moves Sean Salisbury used to use on my wife and quite frankly Mr. Mexico2002, Mr. Boonesfarm, Mr. AintEasy and Mr. Mariotti: I don’t even know what a tangent is, let me break it down like this: when your a hall of fame quarterback knowing the difference between a rhombus, a strippers left tit, a bag of shit and a tangent really isn’t that big of a deal you know? I never took trigonometry like you fucking basement dwelling nerds. I was to busy winning super bowls while you were in your parent’s basements playing me on Troy Aikman’s Football on SNES. Anywho back to the subject at hand: My wife is a tramp and I really don’t care about steroids, in fact steroids have helped out many American’s throughout history, many of which you probably had no idea of….until now(with pictures!):
"Speak Softly and carry a big hypodermic"
Yeah thats right, Teddy Roosevelt was on “the juice”. You think the man ended the civil war WITHOUT steroids? That’s about as likely as my wife staying faithful to me over the course of 6 months.
Snowflake the Field Goal kicking Dolphin
What’s the difference between Snowflake and Ray Finkle? ummm….maybee the fact that Snowflake fucking Rulez!1!!1Why do you think Finkle missed that game winning field goal? Lack of Steroids. Now alot of people tell me “Ron, Ray Finkle never existed, that was a movie staring Harry Carey”. Let me break it down like this: Those people are fucking dick-shitting morons, I should know, I was there when Finkle missed that kick and gave MY Eagles the super bowl XXXXVI victory, I remember that night as well as I found Roger Padaki “porkin’ my wife”
Bukkake Film star: Dirk Owens
Now here is a man who should need no introduction,Dirk Owen’s is literally the Ron Jaworkski of the Bukkake film industry. The man is a constant performer and truly rises to any challenge. Owen’s has long been a big proponent of steroids to enhance his career, I am a huge fan of all his works with the exception of Bukkake Birthday Bash 8 which reminds me to much of the time I walked in on my wife during our honeymoon.
So in summation: Steroids aren’t always a bad thing and my wife really needs to stop banging Ken Norton Jr and the rest of the 1995 San Francisco 49ers.
(This may or may not have been a complete work of fiction)
Let’s just put it this way, the “slam dunk contest” is nothing more than a fucking “popularity contest”. Nate “the Kryptonite” Robinson doesn’t even deserve to be in an NBA jersey. Real dunkers should be slamming Robinson through the fucking hoop. I haven’t seen an overacting little bitch like this since Flavor Flav’s 15 minutes of fame on VH1. Nate never should have won in 2006 when Iguodola got robbed worse than Metallica at the 1989 grammys. Robinson is indeed the Jethro Tull of slam dunk contests. The only way I would have enjoyed that performance is if “Jethro” would have pulled a flute out (a la Ron Burgundy) and sexually assaulted Cheryl Miller at center court, causing an inevitable life sentence for the John Starks wannabe and a rather LARGE need for magnum condoms.
Rudy Fernandez should have advanced to the 2nd round after he had the second best dunk of the night going off the back of the backboard and dunking on the reverse side of the hoop. But what do you know, he’s not as popular as the 5 foot whurrling durmish, so he gets snuffed. The only explanation I have is that the former NBA stars, turned fat lazy judges, were born in Canada. We all know canadiens are “aboot” as fucking retarded as the future offspring of Luke Walton and Rebecca Lobo.
You want to make the slam dunk contest entertaining? Then lets try this lineup: Josh Howard can start off by dunking the ball with one hand, a joint in the other, just high as shit. Carmello Anthony can follow, drunk off his ass trying to do a two handed dunk on a 7 foot goal (later driving the rest of the contestants home) all while Charles Barkley is betting $100,000 large on the competition as Tim Donaghy officiates the dunks. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that?
Thank God Lebron will be in next years contest. After one hell of a weak ass All Star Saturday I will leave you with a young man who acutally can dunk. “Superman” ain’t got shit on this Turkish All Star. Enjoy…
The ESPN coaches poll came out today and for the first time in over a month number one remained the same. Uconn survived a scare from Michigan at home, while number two Oklahoma got another conference win on Saturday improving to 9-0 in Big Twelve play. North Carolina , everyone’s preseason pick to be in Detroit seems to have righted its ship with a couple of ACC wins and the voters noticed moving the Tarheels back into the number three spot. With about 5 weeks remaining until selection sunday one thing is clear with one loss apiece the Sooners and Huskies appear on a collision course and what a dream matchup on the inside post that would be. But we all know funny things happen in March , get ready for a month long lunardi lovefest known as bracketology. Outside the top 15 several teams , such as preseason contender Texas, appear to have hit a brick wall. And as has been the trend this season The big east continues to beat up on each other, this weeks victim Syracuse, 2 weeks ago the cuse looked golden, but like texas appear on the downslide. Villanova seemed to have filled the two spot in the league, which im sure will change by next weeks report. Great weekend of basketball with several OT games and comebacks. Too bad it was all overshadowed by the A Fraud debacle…Oh and yeah, there is that one game coming up this week know and Duke/UNC speedo man is pumped up are you? See you next Monday.
Been a little light on the posting here for the past couple weeks. That should change next tuesday when we gets the internets in our apartment agains. Look for an in-depth Major league baseball preview, as well as ongoing NCAA basketball coverage, along with some more death pool updates (hopefully). Until then…i bid you ado.
We start this week with The Big East, otherwise known as the NFC north, with yet another upset, if you can call it that #20 Louisville over top ranked Pittsburgh, it seems no one is safe enough to come out unblemished in this league, but somehow it has the most teams ranked in the top 20. Notre Dame , which now has 5 losses is still ranked right at about 13 with a big matchup coming on big monday, #8 Syracuse traveling to previously #1 now #5 Pitt. ESPN”S bromance with Bohiem and the hype sorrounding this game was huge , that was until the Panthers fell on saturday. Duke had an impressive win over another big east member #12 Georgetown, and firmly sits at #2. Former #1 UNC got a road win at Virgina and seems to have righted its ship somewhat. #5 Oklahoma got its second conference road win on saturday over a packed house at Texas A&M and seems to be the class of the league definantly vying for one of those 4 #1 seeds come march. And the ghost of skip prosser was smiling down today as the Wake Forrest Demon Deacans became the #1 team in the nation after an impressive road win at Clemson. So what do we know at this point in the season a week or so into conference play, well nothing really 1-5 seem to be steady with a slight shift and an upset here or there but it is Janurary folks and the madness is still a month and a half away. North Carolina could but the best team but may not even win its conference with Wake battling them. The next two weeks is going to be a dogfight to establish dominance in the ACC and Big East. Its a marathon , not a sprint but the favorites have clearly defined themselves.
Its only Janurary but Wake looks dangerous in the ACC
Watching this kid more and more you can see why he was going to the first overall pick in the draft, was at the game last night and once he made a good team look silly. Look for my weekly college basketball wrap up before the Big Monday games , starting next week. ……..on a side note on my last blog I mentioned the 2005 super bowl , typo, actually was after the 2006 otherwise know as the 2007 super bowl
Back on the job after nearly a week off……..Lots to talk about in the divisional round wrap up. Well lets see, all but one favorite lost, and they look to be the best team left in the field. My playoff picks resemble a blind man filling out an NCAA tournament bracket. Lets give it too more shots,of course the four cities these teams reside in care about the games, but let me pose this question for you, would this be the most boring super bowl match up ever? No that was 2005 with the Colts edging out the bears vaunted offense led by Rex Grossman. Fittingly Prince was the half time performance that year, although he did rock the shit out of purple rain. So here it is Eagles on the road, why people? The clock will strike midnight on the cards, and lets face it The Eagles appear to be this years Giants. And the Steelers in the sub degree temps outlast the Ravens, barely. Bring on the 2 week love fest for the state of Pennslyvaina, if you dont like Sal Palatonio you might want to turn away……..
This entry will be a little light today….Its noon1:00 pm 2:24pm and we are already still drunk shitfaced. Our buddy(pic above) just walked around Miami for 30 minutes with a cock drawn on his face, he had no idea until a kind 80 year old woman informed him of this…another interesting note: We saw Kirk Herbstreit wasted at the club Mansion last night at 2am last night. Was on sportscenter less then 5 hours later…..guy is a pimp.Boomer fucking sooner! Tebow…you can go fist yourself. Hopefully tonight and tomorrow will be a 24 hour celebration! meh, I have nothing clever to say today…look for a post game wrap up comming from RonMexico2002 later tonight but until then heres some photos of the hottest woman alive….
Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad died yesterday at the age of 93… I was the only one out of our death pool to have picked him. So the early scoreboard is 1st place: me (7pts) ….tied for 2nd:everyone else (0).
Carl was a very polorazing man while alive, he made his fourtune forclosing on farmers during the great depression and many years later he partnered up with Bud Selig to try to contract the Twins from the MLB back in 2001. Ultimately, as a Twins fan, I can never forgive him for doing this. It was an malicious and unnecessary act of pure greed, but seeing how he made his fortune…how could you be surprised?
You could call Carl Pohlad greedy, shady, a backstabber, or even a stingy old crotchety asshole and I wouldn’t disagree with you. However he was a WWII purple heart recipient, and he did preside over the 1987 and 1991 world series winning Minnesota Twins. And for both of these things I must tip my proverbial cap to him. Without him, my greatest memory may never have came to fruition (1991 World Series, Game 7…sitting in the upper deck. Twins win 1-0 in 10 innings).
Even though I can never forgive him for what he tried to do to my beloved Twins, and Im sure there are/were many a family who curses his name daily for taking there land….. but he bravely fought for this country and was even hurt for his country in battle, and he brought the Twins Cities two of its finest years. So at the end of the day I guess I have to give the old man the respect he surely deserves.
Today was media day in Miami , here are some of the highlights in video form..
Meanwhile……the trash talk on the florida side continues, a certain Florida linebacker, well just call him bulletin board claims Oklahoma’s six game 60 point explosion is a product of ” fantasy land defenses” played in the big 12. Wasnt it eight years ago, against a Florida team, in the same stadium , as an underdog….that this happened..
Brent Musburger is a piece of shit, and overall I find him to be about as clever as a fucking tampon (unused). However he delivered one of the more memorable quotes at his post game news conference (Shown live on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN360, ESPN.com, ESPN Deportes) when Stephen A. Smith asked him about his New Years resolution. His uncut answer is below:
“Well there folks, thats a pretty tough question. Let me tell you this much pardner[sic], much like USC’s continuing domination in the college game I too am pretty much perfect. However, there is one thing I would like to bring to the world in 2009, and that is to spread the word even more on just how fucking awesome Pete Caroll’s nut-sack is. Sure, we all know that Pete Caroll is the greatest coach in the history of sports, we all know that USC should have won the past 18 national championships. But very few people know the amazingness that is Pete Caroll’s masterful balls. Those balls have lead USC to back-to back- to back- to back- to back-to back-to back-to back MCS(Musburger Championship Series) trophies. Just thinking of those pasty, slightly wrinkled yet masterful balls makes me wonder what other majestic and bountiful things Pete Caroll’s nether regions have in store for us. I wonder if he likes having a finger in his butt-hole when receiving fellatio from his many female admirers. Folks, let me tell you from personal expirence, nothing beats a finger in the bunghole during a beej, and I mean nothing! Sideline reporter Holly Rowe actually is quite the expert in this, but please don’t tell Mrs. Musburger folks! Actually speaking of Holly Rowe, rumor has it that her 125 pound weight gain in the past 3 years is due to the buckets of Mr. Caroll’s semen she has been in fact digesting…I guess there is a such thing as too much of a good thing, right Herby?
But this is besides the point, I just really whole world needs to know just how awesome Mr. Carroll’s slightly hairy testicles really are. There used to be an old wives tale floating around the ESPN headquarters that Mr. Caroll once gave Linda Cohn, Bonnie Berstein and Summer Sanders all simultaneous orgasms just by texting them a picture of his luscious scrotum. Sean Salisbury foolishly tried to repeat this gesture several years later and was rewarded with a suspension. Im sure if I went to the studio to ask John Saunders or down on the sideline with Doctor Jack Arute they would both confirm these spectacular stories.”
Musburger went on about Pete Caroll’s balls for another 10 minutes, but I am far to lazy to transcribe the rest rather I will just point out some highlights:
Pete Caroll’s Balls cure AIDS.
Pete Caroll’s balls recently signed a 7 year 14 million dollar endorsement contract for ESPN.
Apparently his “glorious nut sack” will get a 18 page spread in the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.
Pete Caroll recently got his balls a 34 million dollar life insurance policy.
Pete Caroll prefers Johnson’s 100% organic testicle shampoo.
Some might find Musburger’s remarks about Pete Caroll a bit “Crass” or a bit “Over the line” or might wonder if “he has been doing lines of cocaine off of John Kruks ass crack again”. But to this journalist, I must say that I am hardly surprised for Mr. Musburger’s love for balls of the USC head coach.
*All of the,Some of the, a couple of the things in the previous 4 paragraphs may not be real not have been said.
“Personally, im not a huge fan of New Years Eve. Why not you ask? Well, let me break it down like this: When you walk in on your wife getting double stuffed by Joe Namath and Buddy Ryan, while Wade Wilson is filiming, during the New Year’s Eve party YOU are hosting….you kind of become a little bit sour from there on out”- Ron Jaworski
Though it is true that the new decade doesn’t start until another 366 days from now. I am ready to say good fucking riddiance to the past 10 years of nothing but heartbreak from every team I root for obsess over.
I am a huge sports fan, always have been and always will be. So for the sake of flodarity(awesome word eh?) I will list the following teams of who I have been a big fan of along with applicable years:
Minnesota Twins (Forever)
Minnesota Vikings (Forever)
Nebraska Cornhuskers (Forever)
Oklahoma Sooners (SINCE 2003)
Iowa State Basketball (Forever)
Seattle Seahawks (SINCE 1999)
Being a fan of the Twins and Cornhuskers during the 90′s was fucking AWESOME! (See: 1991 World Series, 1994, 1995 and 1997 National Championships) By the end of 1997 my teams were all looking good, (Except for the Twins who were in the middle of a 8 year slump). The Vikings had just gone 15-1 in the regular season and were looking like a lock for the Super Bowl. The Cornhuskers had just won 3 of the past 4 national championships. And a Freshman named Marcus Fizer was going to lead the Cyclones basketball team to glorious NCAA tourney run. Of course none of these things did happen and these all kicked off what would lead to ten years of heartbreak. So without further delay I present to you: My most horrible fucking sports memories of the past ten years (Limited to the worst ten, in no real particular order)
1.) 1998 NFC Championship game Atlanta 30 Minnesota 27- What more can be said about this game? The Vikings FUCKING BLEW IT. This was a choke to end all chokes. Denny Green coached the game like a gigantic douche-bag and fucking Gary Anderson pulled a modern day Ray Finkel. This game was the epitome of a fucking disaster (even by Vikings standards). Fucking Atlanta fucking Falcons, what a bunch of fucking asshats.
Yup! 30 for 30 in the regular season....
2.)2001 NFC Championship game- Giants 41 Vikings 0. 3 years after the debacle against the Falcons. The Vikings were again looking like strong Super Bowl Contenders. Daunte Culpepper was getting his roll on all season long and the Vikings were actually FAVORED heading into the Meadowlands for a showdown with the Giants. Instead in typical Chokekings fashion they managed to get the piss and shit knocked out of them for 60 minutes and suffered the most lopsided loss in team history. The Vikings haven’t even sniffed the NFC championship since that fateful January day.
Actual Water Bottle Moss used to spray officials..Actual Liquid was goat urine.
3.)2003 week 17 Vikings vs Cardinals- The video below can explain it far better then any words could……
4.) 2001 Rosebowl- Miami 37 Nebraska 14-Nebraska somehow backdoored there way into the National Championship game against Miami, only to get there asses handed to them by a bunch of criminals and scum-bags (read: every Miami football player in the history of the world). Maybee if Frank Solich wasn’t to busy banging the Nebraska Cheerleaders while wasted (read: 2 Children out of wedlock with Nebraska Cheerleaders) they could have held a chance. This was the beginning of a painful stretch for the mighty Cornhuskers as only couple years later the worlds biggest cunt head (see: Bill Callahan) was hired as the next head coach of the Huskers.
Heisman Curse
5.) Every Oklahoma Sooners BCS game since 2003-LSU, USC, Boise State and West Virginia can all go fuck themselves. LSU was a heartbreaker and the USC, Boise State and WVU losses were all embarrassing to the entire Big XII. The only good thing that came out of any of these games was the fact that I got some pretty awesome pity sex after the West Virginia Loss (A true rarity).
Thank you Rich Rodriguez!
6- 10 to come later today tomorrow… (Preview: Minnesota Twins 1 game playoff…Minnesota Twins swept vs Oakland….. 2 seed- Iowa State vs. 15 seed-Hampton NCAA Tourney….. Nebraska vs. Colorado 2000…. Julio Franco 3 Run HR Yankees vs Twins ALDS)
Dishonorable Mentions: Johan Santana trade, Oklahoma vs Oregon, OU vs Texas 2008, Nebraska vs Texas Tech 2004.
The staff here at gaymariotti.com hasn’t had much time for writing lately….but with the end of Haunikah its time for our fearless predictions for wild card weekend, because lets face it, between New Years Eve and the week long drunk fest that is going to be the BCS championship game the 4 of us arent worth much in the creativity department.
NFC
Eagles at Vikings- Coming back from what resembled a journey reunion show , the Eagles stroll into the metrodome in minneapolis, you can bet the the place will be rocking ( see 1991 word series,1998 NFC championship) Mcnabb and the Eagles wont be shaken, and have a solid running game and a stout defense. After capturing the Artie Lang beer league, otherwise known as the NFC North, the Vikings counter with a solid running game led by Adrian Peterson and the improved play of Quarterback Tavaris Jackson. Look for a good game here, I like the vikings by a field goal, as time expires the glare of Brad Childress bald head hits the lights at the dome and Phillys kicker shanks it wide right.
Vikings-27
Eagles-24
In the first playoff game in Arizona ever, the visiting team seems to have the edge here. The Falcons are flying high under rookie quarterback Matt Ryan, the Cardinals on the other hand have lost 3 out of the last four games and were only saved by being in a divison that resembles an elementry school jamboree round robin. Its hard to gauge any kind of home field advantage here for the cards, but look for Micheal Turner to continue his ground assualt with another 200 yard game holding off All star bagger Kurt Warner and the Cardinals passing attack.
Falcons -34
Cardinals-27
AFC
Spriano ball has caught on in south beach, following the Chad Pennington revenge tour, ( see Brett Farves last walks off into the sunset) the Dolphins once again head east to face the ravens bruising defense. The game seems to be a toss up, Baltimore defeated the fins earlier this season 27-13. Look for Pennington and the dolphins to play suprisingly well, but fall just short .Tuna looks from the press box, plotting year two of his massive turnaround with a smerk.
Baltimore -20
Miami-10
The hottest team playing on this weekend was everyones early season dissapointment, and somehow find themselves playing on the road this weekend. The bolts, are coming off a biblical whooping of the new york mets of the NFL, denver and will try to shut down the Colts and sudden MVP canidate Peyton, dont call me Eli Manning. This writer sees this as the biggest mismatch of the weekend. Yes just like in August the Colts are the Colts, one of the best in the AFC, and the Chargers are the Chargers, the pick to win every year , but the pick as the biggest dissapointment at the end of each year
Indy-35
San Diego-14
Come to Tampa...were slightly better than Jacksonville
As 2008 comes to a close… we prepare for the first annual www.Gaymariotti.com Celebrity Death Pool
Rules:
1. Submit your list of 25 celebrities/famous people to me by Dec 31st at firebobstoops@gmail.com or just post them on here in the comments section.
2. Points are awarded based on 100 – fallen celebrities age point system. (i.e. = Anna Nicole Smith at 39 y.o. fetched 61 points.) Dont worry about the same name appearing on multiple lists, this happens all the time.
3. I reserve the right to deem anyone on a list ineligible. The person has to be famous.
4. If you want in the MONEY pool. The entry fee will be $20. If we get more then 15 people signed up then it will be a 70% 20% and 10% split for the top three. If not, it will be winner takes all. The $20 is due to me by January 31st, but I need to know if you are in this pool by January 1st. If you dont want to be in the money pool, then post anyways…still fun.
5. I will try to post updates on this “note” and on www.gaymariotti.com as often as possible. But in the end YOU are responsible for notifying us if anyone on your list has bit the dust.
6. Contest ends on January 1st 2010
7. List Submission Team Names are encouraged
8. This is all in good fun…seriously…dont get bent out of shape about this.
Having trouble choosing or need hints?
Here is what most likely will be the winning list from the BYTO 2008 death pool:
Al Davis
Jeff Conaway
George Steinbrenner
Farrah Fawcett
Estelle Getty
Annette Funicello
Fidel Castro
Billy Graham
Kirk Douglas
Charlton Heston
Suzanne Pleshette
Muhammed Ali
Britney Spears
Charles Manson
Karl Malden
Dick Clark
Jan-Michael Vincent
Sid Caesar
Ariel Sharon
Elizabeth Taylor
The Economy continues to kick all of our asses week in and week out. As a professional handicapper I usually charge $159.99 for my lock(s) of the week. But seeing how we are already ankle deep in Chanukah and just hours away from Christmas I will give you all a very special Christmas Present. I will tell you a fool proof way to make $40,000 in 3 1/2 hours.
Step 1: Borrow $10,000 from a loan shark (put first born kid down as collateral)
Step 2: Bet $10,000 on a two team Parlay. (NY Giants OVER Minnesota AND Chicago OVER Houston)
Step 3: ?????
Step 4: Profit
Step 5: Make it rain (Pac-Man style) or Make it Snow (OU Alpha Chi Style)
Why am I so confident of this get rich scheme?
Becuase all it takes for the Vikings to make the playoffs is for either win over the Giants or a Chicago loss against the Texans. As a lifelong Vikings fan who has seen over 9000 huge letdowns. I can tell you with a 100% confidence that neither of these things will happen. Thus congratulations on your new found wealth.
In a week that had more turns then a mexican soap opera, some entertaining footage out of cowboys camp. No it wasnt the in depth reporting that croney Ed Werder offered covering the spat between the 3 big stars in big D, it wasnt the exclusive interview that puppet Stephen A smith offered bashing his fellow employees report, it was this guy standing outside of valley ranch calling Werder out. Way to go buddy, stand up for the faithful of americas team , tell america how sick we are of hearing about this on a weekly basis. Im sure as the playoffs approach ESPN’S man crush with the saga will be full on. Im suprised that didnt send Barry Bonds man whore, Pedro Gomez for the exclusive interview with this fan, instead they just act like he isnt even there. Between this, Plaxico gate, and Donnavan Mcnabb’s bickering with Andy Reid the NFC East is the most entertaining divisions on and off the field…….bring on the playoffs. By the way…..his name is cowboy chris…….and hes a youtube star , check it out…
“I love the university so much,” he said, choking back tears. “I try to be a spokesman for them. And I will continue to be myself and let people know about the great state of Oklahoma. And I will never, ever stop saying ‘Boomer Sooner,’ regardless of who don’t like it.” – Billy Sims
Billy Sims was a great college football player, and I feel bad for how his NFL career turned out…but in all honesty I think Oklahoma can find a better spokesman then a guy who:
gaymariotti
sharklover
brettboonesfarm
ronmexico2002
pippenainteasy
ronjaworski
